Frankenstein’s Commodore: The Goolgowi Man Who Forgot the Rules of Physics (and the Road)

In Short:

• The Tyre Trifecta: The car was found to be operating with three different sizes of tyres, including a front passenger-side tyre that was non-compliant with the make of the car.
• Zip-Tie Engineering: Police allege the front and back body panels were held onto the vehicle primarily through the structural integrity of cable ties.
• Glovebox Gifts: A search of the vehicle reportedly uncovered a green leafy substance in the glovebox and a knife hidden in the wheel well.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, but for one Goolgowi man, invention appears to have been a distant cousin twice removed from common sense.

On Wednesday, February 4, Murrumbidgee Police were patrolling Kidman Way in Merriwagga when they spotted a green Holden Commodore with obvious defects. What began as a routine Random Breath Test (RBT) quickly spiralled into a mechanical autopsy of what might be the least roadworthy vehicle in the Riverina.

The 25-year-old creative behind the wheel passed the breath test, returning a negative result, but his car failed the eye test immediately. Officers allegedly noticed from a distance that the front of the car was sitting at a completely different altitude to the back, thanks to the varied tyre sizes.

Upon closer inspection, the ingenuity became even more alarming. Of the four wheels, three were different sizes. The front passenger tyre was the odd one out, larger than the rest and physically unable to be legally fitted to a Commodore. As for the tread? There wasn't much. What little remained was covered in what Police described as gravel rash

If the mismatched rubber wasn't enough, the bodywork was a masterclass in DIY disaster. Police allege that the front and back panels were being assisted in their adhesion to the car by cable ties.

The mechanical woes didn't stop at the surface. Under the hood, the list of deficiencies read like a mechanic’s nightmare:

• A split radiator cap
• A non-compliant exhaust
• Massive oil leaks that had conveniently built up in a makeshift pan under the engine
• Loose pieces dangling from both the front and rear of the chassis

While police were marvelling at the cable-tie craftsmanship, the driver reportedly volunteered the information that there was cannabis in the glovebox. Officers located the green leafy substance exactly where he said it would be, with the driver asserting he had a prescription.

Not to be outdone, a passenger allegedly chimed in to mention he had a knife, which was subsequently found stashed in the wheel well.

The Murrumbidgee Police seemed unimpressed with the grassroots ingenuity. They issued a Major Defect Notice, (known colloquially as a ‘canary’) which effectively grounded the Commodore until it can be made functional again.

The driver was issued a caution for the cannabis and the knife, while the passenger received a Field Court Attendance Notice for having custody of a knife in a public place.

For readers, let this be a lesson; cable ties are great for fixing a fence or a leaky pipe, but they aren’t a substitute for a mechanic when you’re hitting the region’s highways.